Sometimes an author has to delete a character. I included Lily without really knowing what I’d do with her. She was intended for a (failed) romance with Bert, and comic relief in general. Unfortunately, despite the fun I had writing her, she did not add anything to the novel, and I ended up deleting her scenes. She appeared in three scenes: two from Sophomore summer quarter, and one from Junior summer quarter. Enjoy.
Somewhat to their surprise, Jim and Bert found that another UC member they knew, Lily Harriman, lived next door. She was staying with an older woman, acting as housekeeper and cook, in exchange for free rent. Lily had a scholarship that paid for tuition, and a local job that paid her other bills. Lily had what might be referred to as a “colorful past”: before becoming a Christian she had been a Wiccan, or what some might refer to as a witch. Both Jim and Bert knew this, but accepted that it was all “under the Blood of Christ,” or completely forgiven. Bert was sweet on her, but she had no romantic interest in him. (She had no interest in romance, period, at the time. To her, that would lead to, in her own words: “Married, in the kitchen, barefoot, in blue jeans, and pregnant.”) Eventually Bert decided to see her as the younger sister he never had. This mental adjustment allowed him to have a non-romantic relationship with her. Bert and Lily would keep in contact with each other thereafter.
The usual, normal thing for a new college graduate to do was to get a job, get married, start a family. Many students, both with UC and in the general student population followed this pattern, and Brusier encouraged it among UC members to the point of gaining the nickname “Marryin’ Sam,” from the minister in the newspaper comic strip “Li’l Abner,” which had been popular for decades. Bert, for all intents and purposes, didn’t even date. He seldom even had a meal with a woman, except occasionally Lily Harriman.
Bert’s relationship with Lily was as friends or perhaps (as he imagined it) brother and sister. They came from the same part of the state, and occasionally when he visited his parents’ home, he would give her a ride to her home from Bowling Green and back. One weekend, he took her back to Bowling Green, but stayed off the interstate and state highways, and instead took the back roads. Bert was traveling generally west, but didn’t have any idea where he was, just that he was heading the right way, due west. He was in a farming area, with field after field for mile after mile. The land was perfectly flat, as is much of Ohio. Abruptly, he came up to a small town.
This small town, or rather a group of houses, started immediately after a raised set of railroad tracks, which had been deliberately built so high to avoid any chance of flooding. The tracks were about four feet higher than the surrounding land. Bert had been traveling at the speed limit, 55 MPH, and did not slow down sufficiently before he crossed the railroad tracks. The impact broke off his muffler just behind his engine. His muffler, still attached at the rear of his car, was being pushed along the pavement. Bert quickly stopped the car.
It was late afternoon, and the sun would soon set. Bert did not have many tools in his trunk, and nothing that could remove the muffler from his car so that he could continue traveling back to Bowling Green. Silently, Bert cursed himself, and promised himself that he would never be without basic tools in his car again. Fortunately, they were at a group of houses, and went to one and explained their situation. The homeowner loaned them a couple of wrenches, and Bert set to work. He crawled under his car and inspected the tailpipe. He needed to loosen a “U” bolt holding the tail pipe to the frame, the only place that the muffler was still fastened to the car. Unfortunately, the nuts on the “U” bolt were pretty badly rusted. Try as he might, he could not get either one to move.
Lily stood by the car and watched for a while, then got tired and told Bert, “Let me in there.” Silently, Bert got out from under the car, and Lily took his place. She went to work on the same “U” bolt, with the same lack of success. Finally, with deep exasperation she exclaimed, “There is nothing more frustrating than a tight screw!”
Bert kept from laughing, kept his voice even, and replied, “Say again, please?”
Lily repeated herself, “There is nothing more frustrating than a tight screw!” Then she realized what she had said, and from under the car tried to kick Bert. Now he could laugh, and he did.
Eventually they got the “U” bolt off, and Bert placed the muffler and tail pipe in his trunk. The muffler was rusted and useless, but Bert wasn’t going to leave it as litter by the side of the road. Bert returned the tools back to the homeowner with his thanks, and Lily and Bert completed the trip back to Bowling Green. Bert was surprised that the now muffler-less exhaust system was not far louder than it sounded from within the car. The trip had taken an extra two hours beyond the usual travel time, and Bert had to call his parents and tell them that he was fine, just delayed. Jim had been concerned that Bert was late getting back, and had called their house asking about him. The next day Bert had a new muffler installed, but he also had a new story.
Lily was like that, able to say innocently things which came out wrong. She really outdid herself this time, though, and Bert had a lot of fun telling that particular story.
A friend of Jim’s, Charles Wilcox, needed a place to stay, so Jim invited him to stay at the apartment over the summer. Charles, like Billy before him, was not attending BGSU, but had become connected to UC. At that time, Jim had known Charles for more than two years. Charles had been adopted, and left home as soon as he reached his eighteenth birthday. He was very smart, but he only had a high school education, and he was trying to figure out what to do with his life. He tried various jobs, including selling insurance. Both Jim and Bert each bought a policy from him. Later, when Jim had an injury and tried to collect on his policy, he found out that the insurance company wouldn’t pay the claim. Neither Jim nor Bert renewed his policy the next year.
Once Charles, Lily, Sven, Jim and Bert had been in Jim’s car, driving around Bowling Green. Jim was driving, Charles took the front seat passenger position (also called “shotgun”), and Lily took the “sweetheart” position between them that women take when sitting in the front seat (between two men). Sven and Bert were in the back seat. Charles started speaking to Lily in French. Everyone in the car had at least a rudimentary knowledge of French, except Lily, who did not speak French at all. Charles kept speaking to her, and after a while, instead of telling him to shut up, she affected disinterest, saying “Yeah,” “Right,” or “Sure,” any time he paused for a breath. Jim, Bert, and Sven kept a separate conversation, in English.
There was a pause in the conversation between the three men, just as Charles asked Lily in French, «Voulez-vous se couchez avec moi ce soir?»
Lily did not notice that the whole car was silent, and she replied, “Yes.”
The whole car remained silent. Completely silent. After about five seconds she realized that something was going on, and she was the last one who had spoken. She put it together, turned on Charles, and demanded, “WHAT DID YOU ASK ME?”
Jim told her, “«Voulez-vous se couchez avec moi ce soir?» means ‘Do you want to sleep with me tonight?’” In the back seat, Bert and Sven were snickering.
Lily punched Charles in the ribs. The whole car dissolved into laughter, including Lily. When she got her breath back, she ruefully admitted that she should have known what Charles had said, since the words were part of the lyrics of a song she knew. It was a good gag, but Charles never spoke in French to her again.
Copyright (c)2016, Philip Hair. All rights reserved.